I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
