THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
