I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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