you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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