It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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