I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
