My cat gives me a boner
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
