This is not my ceiling
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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