And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
