There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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