the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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