I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
