you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
