I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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