I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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