Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize