Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
