dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
