We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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