two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
