worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
