Quick, to the slutcave!
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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