my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
