also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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