dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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