apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
