Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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