ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
