My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
