So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
