my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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