fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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