Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Bring me that man meat
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
