You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The uberlube is also flammable
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
