One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
false alarm, still single
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