I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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