He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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