Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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