Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
