I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
