I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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