I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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