No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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