You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
