Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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