God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
