So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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