Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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