The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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