I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
