just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
last night I used snow as a chaser
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
