Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
