I wish I could teleport
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
