his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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