the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
