At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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