I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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