I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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