FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
