Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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