Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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