Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
