Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
